Mastering Communication & Fighting Better: The STFU Method

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, whether it’s with your partner, friends, family, or colleagues. Effective communication not only helps us convey our thoughts and feelings but also fosters understanding and empathy. I’m excited to introduce you to a method I’ve developed called STFU, which stands for Shut up, Take a step back, Feel the other person’s feelings, and Use the exact words that they are using.

At this point I know you are calling me cray cray and laughing at my thoughts here but give me a chance. This simple yet powerful approach can transform the way you interact with others and improve your relationships.

Shut up:

The first step in the STFU method is to “Shut up.” It might sound counterintuitive, but silence can be your greatest ally in communication. Often, in the heat of a conversation, we’re so eager to express our thoughts or defend our position that we forget to truly listen.

Take a deep breath, pause, and give the other person your full attention. By doing so, you create space for a meaningful exchange of ideas and feelings.

Imagine you and your spouse are in a heated argument about household responsibilities. You are frustrated because you feel like your spouse doesn’t contribute enough to the household chores. Your spouse, in turn, feels unfairly accused and becomes defensive.

Shutting up at this moment can reduce escalation, increase active listening, avoid regrettable statements, de-escalate emotional reactions and promote mutual respect. If none of this is something you think could happen, at the very least, it can save you from wasting your breath and give you a minute to breathe before losing your s*!t or making rash decisions.

Take a step back:

Taking a step back doesn’t mean physically moving away but rather distancing yourself from your immediate emotional reaction. Emotions can cloud our judgment and hinder productive communication. By mentally stepping back, you allow yourself to gain perspective and approach the conversation with a calmer mindset.

Now let’s imagine the two of you are having a disagreement about household finances. Your spouse is concerned with your spending habits and wants to save more money, while you feel that your family should enjoy your income more freely.

Taking a step back can prevent escalation, cool your emotions, give you both a chance to reflect on personal feelings, reevaluate your priorities, avoid hurtful comments, give you both a chance to come together to research and analyze and create a safe space for constructive communication.  

Feel the other person’s feelings:

Empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and make an effort to understand their perspective and emotions. When you can truly feel what the other person is feeling, you’re better equipped to respond with compassion and consideration.

Use your imagination again for me and picture the two of you having an argument about the different parenting styles the two of you possess. Your spouse believes in strict discipline while you prefer a more permissive approach in raising the child(ren).

Feeling each other’s feelings in the midst of this heated arguments can help understand each other’s perspective, lower tension, validate emotions, collaborate problem solving, strengthen trust, minimize misunderstandings and promote compromise that will hopefully bring you closer together.

Use the exact words that they are using:

This part of the STFU method is about mirroring and validation. By using the exact words the other person is using, you show that you’re actively listening and trying to comprehend their message. It helps in avoiding misunderstandings and ensures that the other person feels heard and valued.

Ok, for the last time, envision a scenario where you and your co-worker are in a heated argument about a work commitment. You are frustrated that your co-worker is not holding up their end of the work project but your co-worker is feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood.

Here, using the exact words that they are using is a good step that can increase active listening, validate their feelings, bring in some clarity and understanding, promote an empathetic response, build rapport, identify the real problem, demonstrate respect and enhance conflict resolution skills.

Remember to STFU!

So basically, the STFU method can be a game-changer for your communication. It encourages active listening, empathy, and effective dialogue. Whether you’re resolving conflicts, having difficult conversations, or simply engaging in everyday interactions, STFU can pave the way for more meaningful and harmonious relationships. Mastering the art of communication is an ongoing journey, and the STFU method can be a valuable tool in your toolkit. Give it a try, and you may be pleasantly surprised by the positive impact it has on your interactions and relationships. So, remember to “Shut up, Take a step back, Feel the other person’s feelings, and Use the exact words that they are using.” STFU your way to better communication and stronger connections with those around you.