Communicating with difficult people can be a challenging but valuable skill. My better half would argue that he isn’t a difficult person BECAUSE he is so difficult. Partly because he is competitive, partly because he always has to be right and partly because he has ADHD. Nonetheless, dealing with difficult people is a universal challenge in both personal and professional relationships. Whether it’s a stubborn colleague, a demanding boss, or a family member with a knack for pushing your buttons, effective communication is key to resolving conflicts and maintaining harmony. I get it, being kind and getting through a conversation with a person that is difficult can make you feel like you are being gas-lit, unheard and all in all, flat out, disrespected.
Hopefully I can help you come up with some strategies and shed some light on the obstacles you may face along the way… I can only speak from experience here so I hope it helps!
1. Understanding Difficult People:
Define what makes someone “difficult.” Is it their behavior, personality, or communication style? Understanding the root of the difficulty is the first step to effective communication. There could be many reasons like:
Personality Differences: People have diverse personality traits, and these differences can affect their communication style. For example, individuals with assertive or dominant personalities may come across as more challenging to communicate with, especially if they tend to be controlling or confrontational.
Communication Styles: Different people have varying communication styles. Some individuals may be direct and concise in their communication, while others may be more indirect or vague. These variations can lead to misunderstandings and difficulties in communication.
Emotional Barriers: Emotional baggage, unresolved issues, or past traumas can create emotional barriers that make it challenging for individuals to engage in open and effective communication. These emotions can lead to defensiveness, avoidance, or resistance in conversations.
Cultural and Social Factors: Cultural backgrounds and social norms can influence communication styles and preferences. What may be considered polite or appropriate in one culture may be seen as offensive or difficult in another.
Lack of Self-Awareness: Some people may not be fully aware of their own communication habits, which can make it difficult for them to adapt to different communication styles or recognize when their approach is causing difficulties.
Power Dynamics: In some situations, there may be power imbalances, such as in the workplace or in parent-child relationships. These dynamics can lead to one party being more challenging to communicate with due to fear, intimidation, or a sense of powerlessness.
Ego and Defensiveness: Individuals with strong egos or those who are quick to become defensive may be more resistant to feedback or alternative viewpoints. They may prioritize protecting their self-image over effective communication.
Different Goals and Agendas: When two people have conflicting goals or hidden agendas, communication can become strained. Each party may focus on their own objectives, making it challenging to find common ground or reach a mutually beneficial outcome.
Mental Health Issues: Some individuals may struggle with mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, or personality disorders, which can affect their ability to communicate effectively and manage their emotions.
Communication Skill Gaps: Some people simply lack effective communication skills. They may not have learned how to express themselves clearly, listen actively, or resolve conflicts constructively.
Environmental Factors: The context in which communication occurs can also contribute to difficulties. For example, a noisy or chaotic environment, distractions, or time constraints can hinder effective communication.
Unresolved Conflicts: Ongoing conflicts or unresolved issues can create a negative atmosphere, making communication more challenging. These conflicts may result from misunderstandings, unmet needs, or personal disagreements.
2. Self-Reflection:
Before engaging with a difficult person, examine your own emotions, biases, and triggers. Self-awareness can help you approach the conversation with a clear mind and positive intentions. This is how I self reflect basically daily before interacting with a challenging individual:
Identify Your Emotions: Take a moment to recognize and name your own emotions. Are you feeling angry, frustrated, anxious, or defensive? Acknowledging your emotions is the first step in managing them effectively. But you have to BE HONEST!
Set Clear Objectives: Determine your objectives for the upcoming conversation. What do you hope to achieve? Clarity about your goals can help you stay focused and constructive during the interaction.
Review Past Interactions: Think about your previous interactions with this person. What worked well, and what didn’t? Are there recurring patterns or conflicts that you can learn from? This retrospective analysis can guide your approach.
Consider Your Triggers: Reflect on what specific behaviors or words from the difficult person trigger your emotional responses. Understanding your triggers can help you be more prepared to manage them during the interaction. I personally get fired up when I have to repeat myself just one time let alone one hundred times. So, when I know that I am entering a conversation where I will be repeating something, I have to keep that in the front of my mind to keep myself calm.
Create a Safe Space: Consider the physical environment in which the conversation will take place. Is it conducive to a productive and respectful discussion? Arrange for privacy and minimize distractions if possible. Ok, don’t make fun of me here but have you ever heard of scent marketing? In my corporate career, I kept a secret in my pocket and that was a tiny oil diffuser with the most amazing scent in it. I only used one line of oil in the diffuser and never mixed them so that my office would just soak up the expensive, calming smell. Each time a customer would enter my office they would automatically relax. When coworkers would come in angry, looking for my boss, they would stop and ask “what is that?” Then they would be more level headed. I also kept this same line of scent throughout my entire home for this calming feeling. My 5 year old even notices when she is grumpy and asks to turn on a diffuser. It sounds ridiculous! I didn’t set out to use this as a marketing ploy, I just personally liked the smell and thought it gave me a sense of calm. Then I noticed everyone around me getting the same effect when they were near. My point is, smells and aesthetics can play a big part here. See our shop for links to my secret =*)
Prepare for Emotional Self-Regulation: If you anticipate strong emotional reactions, practice techniques for emotional self-regulation. This might include deep breathing, counting to ten, or using positive affirmations to stay calm. We have one of those ax throwing places near our house… I like those too! =)
Seek Support or Guidance: If you find that self-reflection alone is insufficient, seek support or guidance from a trusted friend, family member, or a professional, such as a therapist or mediator.
Assess Your Communication Style: Consider your own communication style. Are you assertive, passive, or somewhere in between? Think about how your style may have contributed to past conflicts and whether any adjustments are needed.
Identify Your Expectations: Be honest with yourself about your expectations for the interaction. Are they realistic, or are you setting yourself up for disappointment? Adjust your expectations as needed.
Practice Empathy: Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider their perspective, motivations, and emotions. This empathetic understanding can foster a more compassionate and constructive approach.
Choose Your Battles: Not every issue is worth addressing, especially in the heat of the moment. Prioritize what matters most to you and decide whether certain issues can be let go to maintain a peaceful interaction.
Plan Your Responses: Anticipate potential challenges and think about how you can respond constructively. Plan your responses in a way that aligns with your objectives for the conversation.
3. Active Listening:
Difficult people often want to be heard. Practice active listening by giving them your full attention, using non-verbal cues to show you’re engaged, and summarizing their points to ensure you’ve understood. We do have more posts on active listening if you would like to read up on that.
4. Stay Calm and Patient:
Difficult individuals may try to provoke emotional reactions. Maintaining your composure and patience can be a powerful countermeasure. Take deep breaths and respond rather than react. I know, I know! This is easier said than done, practice this on the holidays when you are at the in-laws and you will be a pro by the New Year lol.
5. Empathy and Perspective-Taking:
Try to see the situation from their perspective. Understanding their motivations and concerns can help you find common ground and build rapport.
6. Set Clear Boundaries:
Establish and communicate your boundaries respectfully but firmly. Clearly state what behaviors or actions you find unacceptable and explain the consequences of crossing those boundaries.
7. Be Solution-Focused:
Shift the focus of the conversation from blame to finding solutions. Ask open-ended questions to explore possible resolutions together.
8. Use “I” Statements:
Express your feelings and needs using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel frustrated when…”). This approach is less accusatory and promotes better understanding.
9. Difficulties in Communicating with Difficult People:
Explore common challenges such as defensiveness, manipulation, and resistance to change. Understanding these obstacles can prepare you to face them more effectively.
10. Practicing Patience:
It can be frustrating when progress is slow, but patience is key. Difficult people may require time to process information and change their behavior.
11. Avoid Escalation:
Recognize when a conversation is becoming unproductive, and if necessary, take a step back to prevent escalation. You can always revisit the discussion later. Check out our STFU Method for more details on this.
12. Seek Mediation:
In situations where communication seems impossible, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a mediator or counselor, to facilitate the conversation.
13. Self-Care:
Dealing with difficult people can be emotionally taxing. Prioritize self-care to maintain your well-being, as it will help you communicate more effectively in the long run. I recommend boxing or target practice 😉
Understanding that communication difficulties can arise from various factors is the first step in addressing and improving these challenges. Effective communication often involves adapting one’s approach, practicing empathy, and seeking common ground, even with individuals who are initially challenging to communicate with. I honestly just look at all difficult people as if they are 5 and I handle them just like I handle my child.
